Changes in Altitude

Wherever I Hang My Hat's My Home

I don't know when I knew for sure.  Was it a day when I drove to Provo and saw the suit store for LDS missions?  Or when it rained for two weeks straight?  Or when I came back from Oz and started counting the days until ski season and realized that there are so many more days without skiing then ski days?  Or when I had nothing to add to conversations about bike trails.  I think it was mostly the realization that I wanted to be near friends and family, and be back in the city.

Or, to be honest, because it is too hard to live two different lives in one place and for me to be seasonal.  I think to be a local here, you have to love summer as much -- or more -- than winter.  Or not mind spending a ton of time in the car.  Or wanting to do something like a triathalon more than see independent theater.  I can't imagine how I am going to feel at Thanksgiving, knowing that everyone (especially one person) is out here, and I am not.  It is going to be tough, but at least I will have time to adjust.

That's why I am going back to DC now -- if I waited to find a job, it could be forever because I am not there to apply immediately, go to lunch, talk to people, and be there to access what I can.  And I realize that even with all of the downsides, DC is my home, and just being there last week, walking around, it didn't feel like a perfect place, but it was a comfort zone.  Obviously, life out here is more laid-back, but when I sat at Tryst with the newspaper and seeing the crowd, that energy just felt like my energy.

I like to think that by taking the risk to be out in Park City, I learned a lot about myself, and have lived a more interesting life as a result.  I know I have made amazing friends (again, one wonderful person in particular), that will have enhanced my daily life.  And there is still a part of me that wishes I was laid-back, but there is just this fire in my belly as I read about different government jobs and things that I can do if I am back there.  

So I am going home in a month.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made.  It's time, though.

Hot Sauce Committee

I must admit that I liked the name Tad Lock's glasses better, but who am I to make that call?  Before I wrote this, I went back and read a bunch of earlier postings, and, while I shouldn't be, I am amazed that I have been writing about the same theme for over a year: stay or go?  And I realize that I stuck to my plan in that I said that one year would give me enough time to decide.  I don't need more time to discover new facts.  

What is difficult is that I thought that the decision would be entirely in my own hands.  I didn't think that the economy would stop me, or that suddenly DC would become cool (I feel like I brought the rain to Oz, am in the rain here, and I leave for DC to be cool?  Seriously?)  There would be a job, and I could move back into my place.  Or I'd want to be here.  And I didn't think about how my relationship would then become such an important factor.  Of course, I knew that in theory, but the reality is different.

I'd love to have a bunch of fun events to write about from the weekend, but we're on the umpteenth day of rain.  I had a great time at a baby shower/bash last night, but I've had a lot of trouble motivating today.  I watched "BIlly Elliott" -- LOVE that movie, on TV, and am now deciding what to do next.   It is hard when the calendar says June and the weather says October, especially if you would prefer that it actually WAS October.

This week isn't particularly busy outside of work, and I'm debating a trip back east to get out of here for a few days and to do some meetings.  So there you have it.    

Ugh

Please stop raining.  I can't take the rain anymore.  It makes me miserable at this point.  So does traffic. 

Be True to Yourself . . .

I'm trying.  It's ridiculous.  I've been actually writing in a journal (a journal you ask? what about the unread blog?) but I guess I can't just write out all of my internal thoughts on the internet.  But the questions never change -- where to live?  Who do I want to be?  

But I am doing ok -- the trip to Australia was amazing and while it took a bit to adjust to being here on my own, I am getting there.  I'm making plans for things and I've decided that I can be gloomy or think about how lucky I am to have two fantastic lives -- one in a great small town, and the other in my favorite city.  I know that sounds Pollyanna, but it's better than the alternative, which is doubting choices and being bitter that the economy tanked.

Plus, I have such amazing people in my life on two sides of this continent (and in the southern hemisphere), I know I live a life with a lot of love and support.  

That doesn't mean that I was a whole lot of fun to be around after I got back from Australia!

So Put Your Worries on Hold

It seems like lately I (1) blow off posting; and (2) when I do, I write about the same things, over and over.  Where should I live, what should I do?  Things sometimes feel so heavy and serious and I lose all perspective of how good things are. It would be easier if I was ten years younger, but I'm not.  But what I am is living in a great town, mud season isn't nearly as bad as last year, and I am leaving for Australia in one week for a trip I've always wanted to take and to see someone I love.  There is no way to rain on that parade (except for maybe swine flu), and for some reason, being here is actually a lot easier right now than I thought.

I've been making up for lost time the past two weeks (and eating far too much).  Getting a ton of work done, seeing friends, and sleeping.  A lot.  Having free time is a luxury and I am kind of loving nesting at home.  It is really nice to be able to do it.  I should get myself on a diet and start working out more, so that is the next step.

I need to run out to a meeting about the Barking Ball.  If you're interested enough to be reading this, you should check out Friends of Animals Utah -- www.friendsofanimals.net.  It's a tough time for non-profits and the animals out here REALLY need the help. 

What You Get Is What You See

I know that Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living, but sometimes I wonder.  I am constantly thinking and examining, and trying to see the next steps, and what to do going forward.  When I was in college, I had a plan.  Take two years off, go to Georgetown Law, then work for a firm, get married, have two kids by 32, and live in either northwest DC or Maryland with my husband who would be adorable, the breadwinner and we'd have our happy family and life.  Of course, there would be difficult times, but it was a logical life for me.

Well, the years went by, I stayed in my old job for a long time, made great friends, thought I was close a few times, and at the same time I would go to ski every year and as life did not take me in that direction, my dream changed and I wanted to get out of DC, move to a ski town, and be in a smaller place with character.  And I actually did it -- instead of keeping in the same life, I tried on something different.

And then a lot of amazing things happened, I made some wonderful new friends, I got to start over with the wisdom of my mid-30's in a town that doesn't grow up.  And I fell in love.  I threw away some of the baggage that I thought I wouldn't lose.  All really good.  For a while I was the happiest person you could ever meet -- that is what happens when you are in a new and shiny life -- the mountains shimmer from each snowfall, there is a ski pass so you can ski at your favorite place in the world for free.  

Then all of a sudden it hits -- I can't get to see my family in a few hours, there are no new restaurants opening, there are not a ton of free museums, and the sights, smells and things that I loved so much about cities are not there.  The home that I bought and made for myself has someone else living in it.  The local newspaper comes out twice a week.  And I start falling in love with DC and NY all over again -- I remember why I am a city person.  I am not unhappy, but not sure of the next steps.  Am I becoming a "grass is always greener" person?  Or did I just need a break from DC, which turned out to be a much longer one than I thought in December 2007?  

I could overanalyze pretty much everything, but I love Park City, but I don't have the attachment to Utah that I have to DC, which feels like home, still.  And so does Buffalo.  For some reason, I can't get myself excited to make this feel like home, but I don't want to leave, either.  I like to think that the glass is half-full and that I am lucky to have two places which both offer great things and great lives for me, yet I still feel stress about impending decisions.  

Having said all of that (to my readership of like two people), I am mostly trying to focus on my trip to Australia and the time that I will spend with B.  And now that I made it through part of the longest week ever, I will relax tonight, get another day of spring skiing (closing day at PCMR) tomorrow, and maybe try not to examine life today.

The Rat Cage

My usual apologies for not writing, but here is an incomplete list of things that have kept me slammed lately:

1.  Work (really like my job, btw)

2.  Skiing

3.  Having B here for only a certain amount of time (read: leaving in April)

4.  Planning for trip to Australia  (always wanted to go, seeing B there and going to Sydney)

5.  Dealing with taxes 

6.  Going back east for a conference

7.  Miss living back east tremendously

8. Freak out because realizing that moving back means that I won't be in Park City and part of me loves it here so much

9.  Freak out because I live in Utah

10.  Deal with current tenant in DC place, summer tenant and what to do going forward

11.  Stress about the economy and owning a place across the counrty

12.  Realizing that the lifestyle questions I have now would be a lot easier if I was in my mid-late 20's, not mid-late 30's.

So there you have it.  I love when people tell me that things always work out for the best -- do they know what the alternatives were?  I just have a to do list of things that are big (update resume, reconnect with people back east), and not-so big (laundry, recycling, updating the blog).  

You know how when you watch a chick flick, you get the happily after ever ending?  Well, mine would be last December.  Liked the job, the ski season started, had a great birthday and B and I are happy.  In that movie, you don't see four months later when there are goodbyes, job and life decisions and mud season coming up.   It can be the worst movie ever, but the happily ever after gets me every time.

So, I am doing well, I may post before April 14, but it's unlikely, but after that, I should improve.  Or not -- I doubt anyone is out there checking on "Changes in Altitude," --it's not like I've been making it a must-read!

Tonight I'm home catching up, and the next thing is to watch Friday Night Lights and Lost.  And read Entertainment Weekly.  It is a wild wild night.

What you get is what you see . . .

Which is apparently very little of me blogging.  I suppose me posting is like a tree falling in the forest.  It feels like there is so much happening and yet so little.  I am the same as every other person in worrying about the economy.  I'm not like everyone else in that I'm not trying to hold onto my home, but rather cannot afford to sell a place in another state I cannot afford to live in.  And, with this recession, even if I wanted to go back to said place, finding a job would be tough.

It is weird to feel like two people -- one is someone who loves being in a small town, being able to ski a lot, looking forward to hiking and quality time outdoors year-round.  One who understands the H2-b visa world and why it is a problem.  One who looks at the mountains and finds peace.  Where knowledge can be books or weather or bikes and the quality of life is amazing.

Then there is the other one.  The one who wants to be on busy streets with people speaking different languages and to be in a culture of ideas.  Not the part of intellectual snobbery and the bad materialistic aspects, but to be able to go to museums, and boutiques and to appreciate good design, whether interior design, architecture, apparel.  I took it forgranted before, and if I were to go back, I wonder if I would do that again, and miss the mountains and life here.

And the relationships I have in both lives -- there I am closer to my family geographically.  I've made amazing friends and have some incredibly strong bonds here, especially in ski season.  But I have ties there too.

If this seems like an obscure post, after zero posts, I don't mean for it to.  It is just where I am.  Having said all of that, this has been the most extraordinary winter -- I have a good job, and so many special things here.  It is just that I remember mud season, and I feel it a-comin.  I have a trip to Australia in May, so that will be good.  It also means that June = reality!!

Super Bowl Sunday

I can't believe that every time I post it is a promise to do better.  I should be more like Theresa, who writes something every day, and it is always interesting.  Or Chad, who makes a community out of his blog.  But it is me, and I am spending so much time enjoying the winter, and balancing life, work, friends, relationships, that posting just doesn't seem to happen.

All in all, things are good, and I am happy.  I worry a lot about my place in DC, but what can I do?  The economy has imploded.  I am going to Australia in May, and that makes me happy.  I have great friends here and I miss DC at the same time.  Life is never particularly easy, but it is all good.  

Since I haven't written in forever, I'll just write about today.  I got up this morning and wanted to be lazy.  B reminded me that I moved here to ski, and it was a beautiful day, so, reluctantly, I dragged myself up to DV and went skiing for morning.  It was a perfect day, and my skiing is improving a lot.  I skied for a few hours, ran into K when she was teaching, and then she was able to join T, B and me for brunch at Eating Establishment.  It was a really fun brunch, and a rare 50/50 American/Australian split of people at the table.  I have such great friends here and it is strange how K and T are my friends now as much as B's, and the fact that he enjoys it and doesn't mind being the only boy when it was initially brunch for the two of us, says a lot.

After that, recycling and the Super Bowl.  I wasn't expecting much from the game, but it was a fantastic game.  And B, who called it "footy," and compared it to the Aussie Rules Grand Final, got into it (or pretended to) admirably for a foreigner.  Now I should get to sleep because tomorrow is a long day at work, but it was such a good weekend that I don't want it to end yet.

So that is a day in my life.  I'll try to write more, but I can't promise . . .

50 Cups of Coffee

I feel like I've lived on coffee lately -- it has been super busy.  I feel like whenever I actually get to blogging I am apologizing about how long it has been.  I suppose the best thing to do is just start fresh and see if I get better for next year.  

The last month was a whirlwind -- got back from Florida, ski season started, my birthday, the holidays, New Years, working on call.  And B came back from Australia.  It is interesting how when ski season starts over, everything changes.  It's good, mostly, but suddenly the free time and balance I worked so hard to find and achieve over the summer is gone, and it is important to not lose that entirely, because winter ends.  Then who knows?

I think I made a bit of a mistake working on call at the resort.  My office was closed, and my ski pass was blocked out, so I figured I would help out and make a little money.  But I underestimated how exhausting it would be to be working at such a busy time of year.  I also had some work to do for my job, and I was dogsitting, so it was more than dealing with "real life."  I'm kind of relieved that the holidays are over now so I can get back into my routine.  Next year, I think I will stay west for Thanksgiving, and then go home over Christmas, but it is definitely too soon to decide.

One thing I noticed about the resort guests is that they were in a worse mood than last year.  Must be the economy.  I suppose I should feel fortunate that I had TWO jobs . . .but there was a great storm on Christmas. I was working in the Child Care location at the resort, and all I wanted to do was ski, and a lot of the guests thought that (1) the ski school should be closed due to weather; and (2) they should get their money back.  Well, first of all -- it is a SKI resort and a SKI school -- we want weather, and (2) why is snow a reason to refund.  I was going to say to this one rude man that if he was willing to sit at my station, I'd pay him for his lift ticket and give him my pay for the day.  OF COURSE -- I wouldn't do that, but I wanted to . . .

In a huge bit of news, I actually enjoyed new years -- it was a fun group out for dinner.  I'm still not a new years person.

I'm feeling caught between two lives right now and not sure which one I want.  I miss the fast east coast life, but don't want the stress or anxiety or craziness of that life.  I miss being close to my family and friends there.  On the flip side, I love being in the mountains and the life I am starting here.  But I feel removed from action, and when I see things about the inauguration for example in the New York Times, and then a gun show ad on TV, I think "this is my life?"  And I worry that if my car dies (like the battery did yesterday), I won't be able to afford a new one.  I know I can, but I don't want to spend money on that.  So I am like the rest of the world on that.

Well enough down news.  I am loving sitting inside today (you know I love skiing, but at -3 degrees, I wasn't rushing to go out today), and watching football and having a mellow Sunday.  And I actually caught up on the blog!